Feeble Knees

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Full Term

This is week 37. We are officially "Full Term", which means, medically speaking, that Baby F could be born any time now. And so the waiting begins...

I'm not great at waiting usually, but in this case I'm not in any particular rush. There are still a few to-do items I'd like to accomplish, including a woefully long-overdue project I've been working on for a family member. Still, I've been prioritize tasks in order of relative importance, not wanting to get caught rushing to the hospital with certain baby-specific things left unattended to.

Baby shower thank you notes went out a couple days after the shower. I've washed and folded and put away all the clothes, blankets, sheets, burp cloths, bibs, and infant seat covers. There is a huge stockpile of diapers at the ready (I've been clipping and saving diaper coupons since February, so every purchase has been at least $1.00 off). In addition to all the diapers, I've stocked up on some necessities like hydrogen peroxide, petroleum jelly, cotton swabs, and a few items I hope I won't be needing post-partum, specifically Preparation H and Tucks pads. (Eeeww! *shudder*)

We're getting our wills, health care proxies and power of attorney documents in order. Scheduled an oil change & routine service on my car. A few weeks ago I bought all the birthday and anniversary cards I need from now until January then addressed and stamped them ahead of time (here's hoping postage costs don't rise before the end of the year).

So, you can see, I like to be prepared. :)

It's all part of my grand but ultimately futile attempt to enjoy the last few days of my life that I'll feel like I'm actually in control of anything.

The fact that all of this seems so completely normal and ordinary is still rather strange to me. Somehow I always imagined that this would be some mind-blowing emotional journey. It has been an emotional journey - just not in the way my pre-pregnant mind envisioned it. Before becoming pregnant, I never could have understood how natural certain feelings and knowledge would be. The most surprising thing of all has been this calm assurance that's attended me throughout my pregnancy (it must be Divine in origin) and given me a quiet confidence in the midst of what always seemed to me a rather risky and scary endeavor. I always assumed I'd be a bit terrified at this point. It never dawned on me how much grace would play a part. Silly me.

So that's been one big significant life and spiritual lesson in all this. God is providing that which I wasn't even looking for, that which I didn't even know enough to expect. This is very good, since had I been expecting kind of grace, I probably would have fretted that I wasn't getting enough, or that obtaining this calm or grace somehow depended on my current state of "spiritualness". Instead, sneaky God that He is, He just quietly went before me and made sure everything was there and in place as I needed it: some grace here, some strength there, a bit of peace tossed in for good measure.

That says nothing in particular about me. I'm as undeserving as anyone of this divine provision. But it does say a whole lot about God, and how trustworthy and dependable He is. It is at once humbling and soothing, to just rest and accept it without question or reservation, whatever may be.

For that I am so very grateful, and inclined to worship with a quiet heart full of deep wonder and love.
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