Feeble Knees

Wednesday, December 29, 2004


Joe Carter at The Evangelical Outpost attempts to put the numbers in perspective. Slashdot reports several scientists claim the earth's rotation was affected by the quake. Closer to home, Mr. Standfast is strugging with a loss that is as sudden and senseless as any that occurred overseas.

Under normal circumstances, I'd think I was having a bad day today. But in light of the death toll that is now climbing unthinkably higher than 80,000, I feel very, very small.

I can't stop thinking about Janel Cadman, the now widow of Mr. Standfast's friend John. To be only just newly married and then suddenly widowed, oh my dear Lord the thought rips me apart. My heart goes out to her, and I think of her too as I think of those lost and missing in Asia. Hers is a tragedy that the world at large will miss, but it is no less significant. Her life is forever changed too. God knows, and He is there with her too.

Had it not been for these things that are weighing so heavy on my heart, I would have been feeling very bad for myself today. After waiting and hoping for two weeks, it turns out that I'm not pregnant. A dear friend is about to make the mistake of his life by marrying the wrong person. And this morning the vet called with sad news about our wonderful old kitty whose picture graced this blog earlier in the week. We will do all we can to make him comfortable, happy and loved as his kidney failure progresses.

While I love our friend and our kitty, and dearly hope for a family of our own someday, these things pale in comparison to what some people are having to deal with today. While one young wife prepares for her burial, thousands others seek desperately for news, any news of their loved ones. Thousands are being buried unceremoniously in great haste as the fear and threat of pestilence grows. The need, the pain, the heartbreak is too great.

What kind of God can bear all this?

God, promise me that you are big enough. This is she of the little girl faith talking here, because my adult mind can't begin to process the enormity of all these deaths. Promise me that you feel every loss acutely, that the numbers of the hairs on each dead and dying person's head are numbered by you. You know their breaths, their thoughts afar off. I am grieving people I have never met. You are grieving men, women and children that you knew from the very moment they came to be.

Our hearts and minds stagger under the numbers Lord, but you know their names. You know their faces. Not a one is unknown to you. For these you died Jesus. For every last one you poured out yourself. Did you see this day, did you know, as you stood and wept over Jerusalem, that one day it would come to this?

Father God I don't accuse you, you know my heart. Help me to understand, help me to read your heart and have your mind. God I tremble to think of your anguish; and the very thought that were I to experience a thousandth of our pain I should likely die on the spot. There is only so much a human being can take.

How much can you take God?

Lord, your servant Jeremiah said you have made the heavens and the earth and that there is nothing too hard for you. Throughout history you have proven your ability to care for the sick, the broken and anguished. For your good name's sake, God please help. God, my heart tells me that you are not indifferent to us. I don't know how, but I believe you can move in the midst of this situation and rescue those whose lives hang in the balance. Please Lord, please. I don't know how, but I believe you can comfort Janel, and so many other grieving families that have been torn apart.

I am in awe of your power to do these things Lord, though my mind cannot comprehend it, in my heart I believe. Do what only you are able to do in our hearts, minds and lives. In faith I ask these things of you, believing it is in and with the Spirit of Christ I pray.


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