Feeble Knees

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Broke the News

To follow up on my post from Saturday, we did finally break the news to my parents.

On the drive up I only had about seven teensy-eensy panic attacks about it. What if the results of that first test were incorrect? (yeah, right!) Maybe we should wait and take another test first? Maybe we should wait until the baby is born...

But I did it. I even managed to segue it into the conversation pretty artfully, if I do say so myself. My father was talking about his memoir, and that he'd just finished writing it. I asked innocently where he left off, after we were born or at some point in the recent past?

"Oh no," he said. "I've got your wedding in there, all the way up to today really."
I smiled playfully. "Well you're going to have to write a postscript in October."

Beat. Everyone looks at me quizzically.

"Because I'm pregnant!"

There was much rejoicing. Really. Everyone jumped up and there was much hollering, hugging, and kissing. It was...nice. Real nice. :)

As I expected, my mother is now in constant contact. How are you feeling today? When is that doctor's appointment again? Do you need anything, your father and I will be out running errands today. I told so-and-so today and they said "Congratulations!" I just can't wait until the holidays with our new little family member!

Holidays!?! Sheesh Ma, don't rush me!

There remain only two more family members to tell, and truth be told I'm somewhat relieved that the secret's (mostly) out. It was very good to compare notes with my Mom and find out more about how she was feeling physically throughout each of her pregnancies. She had morning sickness of varying degrees with some, but not all of us. She also went right on schedule with each of us - never early, but never late. That's good information to know, considering my sister's experience seemed to closely follow Mom's. It was reassuring, on some very deep level I couldn't come close to describing.

* * *

Sometimes the irony of God's grace is too much for me to bear. It takes the wind out of me, and I feel very small in the enormity of it. My relationship with my mom has been rocky over the last fifteen or so years, and never more so since the day she admitted that she and my father nearly made the decision to abort me. That one small admission completely turned my perception of my parents upside down, and it still affects me in a lot of ways.

But God tethered me and refused to let my shock and hurt feelings have their way and destroy our relationship. He simply would not allow it. At times when the pain would swell it was as if an 800 pound Holy Spirit landed square on my chest and sat on me while I threw my hissy fits. I had to forgive, I had to acknowledge that God turned everything for the good. I had to keep loving her, even after she busted up my belief that she had been the perfect mommy. I had to learn to love her more, for who she is, not what I wanted her to be.

So it was quite surreal then, when she jumped up and nearly ran across the room and hugged me so hard. It was healing, to see her joy, to know that she is so eagerly awaiting this new little one. This little one is wanted. What a blessing, to be so incredibly wanted. It's just as I always hoped it would be.

Yesterday I stared out at the barren trees and crusty white snow blanketing our backyard. I wondered if the news of my baby brought back memories of a certain time and place, and the decision she almost made. My heart swelled and stuck in my throat. Did she think of this little one to come and thank God once again for restraining her hand? Was she wondering if I was thinking the same thing?

Somewhere very deep in the recesses of my heart there is a little growing hope that everything will come full circle, and in a great divine irony this new life inside will bring reconciliation, and peace. Maybe it's a longshot. Maybe it's just wishful thinking. But I choose to let it live.
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