Feeble Knees

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

I Think I'm Still an Evangelical

I actually had to think about this before adding my name to Joe Carter's new Evangelical blog directory. I hesitated though. Is it enough that I *think* I am?

Old habits die hard. For a moment I found myself wondering if I should dare throw my lot in with this list, given my present churchless state. What if people come here and decide that I'm terribly backslidden? What kind of evangelical am I? Maybe I shouldn't join up. I don't want to reflect badly on the others.

Yet part of me is jaw-droppingly shocked that I'm still so caught up wondering what the church at large's perception is of me and my walk. Yep, I'm prone to intense bouts of insecurity, even now, even so many years down the road since that first day I committed my heart into Jesus' hands.


Self discovery is tricky business. If you don't have someone with a more objective opinion around, you run the risk of believing wildly inaccurate things about yourself. So we look to others for a plumb line - how screwed up am I compared to this one or that one? Maybe this tendency is a little more pronounced in women. Is my butt bigger than hers? No? Oh good! I find myself doing the same thing when it comes to faith. Do I know the Scriptures better than him? Yes? Oh good!

I'm comfortable with the idea that my faith will not be perfected this side of eternity. At least I think I am. Until I run into some one who professes a more perfect faith than mine. That's were my twisted little mind gets tied up in knots and trips over itself. Perhaps this is why church is difficult for me. Rather than being happy if I make it in the door at all, I'm caught up in comparisons.

Is it covetousness? Do I covet someone else's faith and perserverance? From time to time it strikes me that I have been given my measure of faith, and I should be happy to work with what I've got, not focus on what I don't have yet. I worry that someone's going to come along and say, "is that all you've got? Harumph!"

Well, I decided to take the leap and join the list. After all, I do identify more as an evangelical than anything else, I suppose. So if you're here as a result of finding me in the long list of evangelical blogs, welcome to the world of Feeble Knees: evangelical Christian, neurotic mess!

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